As I start to write this, I can feel myself getting emotionally drained and frustrated. Do you know how often I’ve written about this push and pull between what I want to do and what I actually do? Plenty. Frankly, it makes me feel like shit to talk about it and acknowledge, again, it is something I deal with. I’m sure I’m not the only one by far and this is very normal for humans to encounter by got damn!
I’ve experienced serious resistance with getting healthy, sticking to commitments I’ve made to myself, and overcoming unhealthy habits. I’m going to keep it 100 here about this because I’m tired of hiding, waiting, and feeling guilty. I’m tired of beating myself up and waiting for me to get my shit together so I can come up with the type of posts the experts, gurus, and high earners say ya’ll read. I’m done with that shit so here it goes, some raw shit Latrice style.
Since having this blog, declaring on my YouTube channel I’ll be following a ketogenic diet, and sharing my tips on weight loss and overcoming challenges, I’ve been living outside of what I say my values are. Well, let’s say I’ve been speaking it yet finding it ever increasingly difficult to stick to my commitments. It seems to have gotten even harder since I’ve become more public about my plans.
Honestly, I’m clueless as to what to do at this point. I’ve been giving into cravings of all sorts, eating foods I know are off of my plan as if I don’t even have a goal (failed at my “no” self-discipline challenge), and I’ve been spending my designated content creation times scrolling social media, free writing my feelings, chilling on the weekends, dating, or catching up on my shows. All things I told myself I’d give up, and even felt excited about giving up, but still habitually get into.
I learned from Mel Robbins that our brains are designed to keep us safe and that changing old habits is perceived as a threat by our brains. Especially when we hesitate and struggle with doing new things. Those new things, although it can be as physically unthreatening as writing a blog post, can be seen by the brain as a threat when we hesitate. The brain figures the hesitation was a sign there is a threat so it’ll bring to memory all of the reasons why one shouldn’t proceed and will even work to shut the body down on taking action.
Methods I’ve Tried to Stick to Commitments
There are plenty of things I’ve tried to establish aligning habits that’ll help me stick to my plans and accomplish my goals.
I set up an Asana account and scheduled out my to-do’s so I could get email notifications regularly. And having a digital calendar had been my game changer while I was a marketing manager so surely, I thought, it’ll keep me on task. It worked for a few days. Literally just a few days. When something came up and I had to “ignore” a notification, I got into the habit of ignoring more of them. So now the Asana task notifications just keep piling up in my inbox as I continue to ignore them. Not that I don’t have the time to complete the tasks or don’t know how to, I just keep “forgetting” apparently.
Secondly, I tried getting myself cute, physical calendars I could write, highlight and doodle in. I was all happy and spent a few hours jotting down my goals, making the plans that’ll accomplish them, and scheduling them accordingly around work, gym, and chores. Well, like the digital calendar, I started ignoring those scheduled tasks as well. Those cute ass calendars are now sitting on my book shelves, hidden between books and old magazines I’m also ignoring.
Third, I put the bullet journal to the test. This one actually had me gassed (excited) for a while. I was taking my plans day-by-day and checking off the tasks I got completed. I felt accomplished and like I was making meaningful moves. What I really liked about the bullet journal was I didn’t have empty calendar pages to remind me of the guilt I felt for not getting things done. I’d still put in a ‘>’ sign and move it on to another day. And if I didn’t get to work with my bullet journal on a particular day, I could just pick up where I left off without the visual of my lack of commitment. Even now, although I’m struggling with sticking to my commitments, I’m still using my bullet journal to free write, write down my ideas, write out what I ‘want’ to do, and pretty much keep hope alive. At least I’m still playing with my ideas, I figure.
Fourth, I tried the gold-star approach. I went out and bought myself some actual stickers to post on my wall calendar on the days I fasted for 16 hours, stuck to my clean diet, and worked out. That worked for about a month until I went to see my brother and let loose on my diet because I was with family. (My typical excuse for cheating on my diet.) For about a week, I continued to eat toxic foods and bend to my cravings. Soon, I was ignoring that as well.
Fifth, (I know huh? A fifth.) I created a two-page document of how I would want my weekdays and weekends to look, I listed my affirmations, my goals, and even my content goals for each week. My idea was to read it three times a day and follow it without being strict, but by getting better with each day. Unlike the other methods, I gave myself space to fall off as long as I kept reading that list. Well, guess what happened. After about a week, I started ignoring that shit too.
Mind Work I’ve Given a Try
Besides those five methods, I’ve also tried listening to subliminal messages, listening to hypnosis treatments and affirmation playlists at night, pinning up my affirmations and goals so I can see them all the time, listening to motivational compilations on YouTube in the mornings, journaling how I feel, writing down lists, listening to podcasts at work, watching videos on health and wellness on YouTube, listening to mind science and law of attraction gurus, getting a consultation and having someone else holding me accountable, telling Instagram my goals, remembering to use the 5-second rule method of Mel Robbins, and even keeping an alter.
Guess what happened to those also. I didn’t stick to them. Actually, I do still listen to YouTube videos from Abraham Hicks, Rev. Ike, and Be Inspired regularly.
What I’ve just noticed is that everything I’ve tried requires commitment in itself to work so how do I commit to those things that are supposed to help me commit when I’m having trouble committing? What the fuck is wrong with meeeeeeeeee?!
Seriously. What the hell is going on? Do I need therapy? Should I talk to somebody? Or do I remain patient and trust that eventually my ass’ll catch up? Ironic that Erykah Badu’s “Searching (Live)” comes on while I start typing this paragraph.
I really am searching. Searching. Searching. Searching. Looking for that thing that’ll click for me. Maybe I’m fighting this way too much and just need to chill out. Maybe I need to stop trying things and just be. Ugh, I’m about to cry. Lying. I am crying at this point.
What I’ve Learned About Struggling and Fighting
On this journey, what I’ve been learning about this internal conflict is that feeling negative, frustrated and beating myself up over it is a sign that I’m not in alignment with who I truly am. God is loving and like that patient parent watching their stumbling baby learn how to walk. God isn’t considering me broken, stupid, lacking, or as if something is wrong with me because I’m struggling to commit. She’s patiently encouraging, lovingly giving direction even when I don’t listen or spend an extended amount of time dealing with my own shit before I can hear Her and listen. She’s the epiphany of “no worries.” So I’ve been realizing in my own life. She’s not worried, will wait, and is constantly giving direction, dropping gems.
Reminding myself of that just now helped a lot. And She just blessed my life right now. Look at God.
I also learned that flowing energy towards what I don’t want by resisting, especially with frustration and beating myself up, creates more of that experience in my life. Where energy flows, power goes. I’m putting a lot of energy into resistance instead of heading towards what I want. Maybe I’m having a hard time changing old, limiting habits because I’m putting energy and focus into the fact that I’m having a harder time than I anticipated changing my old habits. Maybe this is hard because I’ve been “fighting” instead of being patient with myself.
Evidence Not Fighting and Not Worrying Works
Well, that’s what I’ve been learning from Abraham Hicks and actually finding evidence of in my own life and practice with deliberate creation now that I really think about it. When I’ve let go and didn’t worry about stuff or beat myself up about what I could have, should have done, I’ve gotten exactly what I wanted.
Actually, that’s how I manifested my new job at a great, local tech company and my new iPhone. That’s also how I’ve kept my bills paid when I was only working part-time, didn’t have my car repossessed although I missed way over 3 payments, had my car payments and APR lowered although my credit is currently less than good, and kept high-quality food in my fridge despite not having much funds. Not worrying about what I didn’t have worked fine. So maybe it’s time I stop worrying about what I’m not doing and just be.
Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. Chill.
I’ll also stop worrying about creating the “right” type of content and just come here to talk my shit, share my lessons as they come, keep the updates, and work through my shit as I just did with this post.
Oh my goodness, I feel so much better now! #WritingIsMyTherapy
Currently finding it hard to establish your own healthy, new habits? How are you managing and what have you tried? Please remember to never give up. One thing I’ve been committed to is never giving up no matter how hard and dark things look.
Love yourself through it. If you’re super frustrated and angered with yourself, it might take you some time to get to a point of loving yourself through this. It’ll still take me some time although I’ve just taken myself out of my funk. Be patient boo. It’s coming. Belieee’ dat. (Believe that)